Twelve Day of Christmas by The Rock

On the night Test faced the Great One, This is what he'll see:

12 Sharpshooters stinging,
11 Eyebrows raising,
10 Spines-a-busting,
9 Noggins knocking,
8 Kicks-a-kicking,
7 Punches punching,
6 Suplex smashing,
5 Seconds of the people chanting the Rocks name.
4 Rock Bottoms,
3 People Elbows on your
2 Buck teeth

and an ass-kicking all over New Orleans

The Perfect Christmas

There is no such thing as a perfect Christmas, we are too diverse a nation for that, but for every person there is an ideal and in that the essence of what Christmas should be. For some it may be non stop parties, other a little peace and quiet. Many aspire to the Christmasses of their childhood, while others want the festive season to be a grown up affair a world apart from what they have endured in the past. To each I wish a little festive magic.

Our traditions have grown, as we have, over the last ten years or so. We made a pact early on so as not to fall into the common trap of being forced to go to the in-laws one year and the outlaws (as we affectionately call my parents) the next. We justified our choice then by saying we both worked and Christmas was the one day we had together but now we have kids we support our decision. The pleasure of Christmas is rushing downstairs, opening presents, eating chocolate for breakfast, slouching in pyjamas while playing with all the new toys Santa brought.

Where is the fun in having to put all those new toys aside and be dragged out in the snow to Grandma's?

We stay home for Christmas, welcoming visitors if they choose to call but they accept us as we are, pyjamas til lunchtime and often anti-socially engrossed in our gifts. Our traditions (a list of which follows) are simple, accomodating and flexible enough to make Christmas a relaxed and stress free affair and long may that continue.

1) Send out Christmas cards after we receive the first one from our friends (we have one friend who always sets the ball rolling)

2) Gifts bought well in advance, ordered online and stored away to prevent last minute panic attacks (a no present pact helps, so no unexpected gifts from people you haven't bought for)

3) Tree put up while kids at school or in bed (less stressful than having the kids watch you struggle to get it straight or argue over trimming it - they wake up to find the Christmas fairy has been)

4) Deliver gifts early so people can pop them under their tree, no rushing around Christmas eve doling our presents in a sweaty flurry, and they know who you have and have not bought for in case they have forgotten the pact.

5) Stock up. We do this gradually over the weeks leading up to Christmas, buying an extra loaf of bread and emergency onion rings in advance so the shopping bill for December isn't ridiculous and if people do call you can rustle up a chilli con carne by merely opening the freezer and a tin. It also means that you don't have to rush out food shopping on December the 23rd at midnight in sixteen inches of hard packed snow.

6) Turkey cooked Christmas eve (Yes, turkey. Good enough for the Cratchits, good enough for us.) Less stress on Christmas day, we have slices in buns on Christmas eve and it is perfectly happy to sit in the fridge overnight.

7) Open one present on Christmas eve. This comes from our old tradition, before we had kids, of opening our pressies at midnight. We now open one before putting the kids to bed and that gift is usually a sentimental one from grandma that includes Christmas pyjamas.

8) The mincepie, carrot and thankyou note.

9) The Christmas Movie. The afternoon of Christmas eve, while the turkey is cooking we often have Muppet's Christmas Carol or Elf. Later on, when they kids are in bed, we often watch Scrooged (with Bill Murray)

10) Presents first, then breakfast followed by a morning of slouching in pyjamas playing with the new toys before slinging on some clothes for lunch at 1:30 or 2 o'clock. Tea is often a turkey sandwich if you feel up to it or Christmas pudding if you couldn't face any at lunch time.

God Bless us, every one.

Snow

Tis the season for abandoning your car in a drift, skating to work down an ungritted hill, braking your ankle on frozen slush cravasses and walking the kids to school only to be told the teachers can't get in and it's shut.

The Inuit live on ever moving ice floes, sew their children into reindeer skin snowsuits and dig through metres of rock hard ice to find fish for supper.  We get two inches of light, soft snow and the entire British infrastructure grinds to a halt.

This year, so the met office says (and we all now how reliable they are) has been one of the coldest in thirty years.  Cold weather warnings, roads closed due to drifting, bridges closed due to high winds, flooding and sheet ice.

And I bet some dip-shit will still try to climb Ben Nevis in a cagoule and flip flops.

I Feel Sorry For The Dog

Rest My Case

Awesome

Breakfast Aisle Six

Wonder what they have the other five breakfast aisles?

Marriage

Fiction

Trolley Dash

WTF?

Happy Easter

Our entry into a work Easter Egg competition - first prize, naturally - the biggest Thorntons egg I have ever seen!

Pity the Fool

Clown Car

Mothering Sunday

There's a torn and dog-eared corner of my heart's leaf,

Whereupon such truths of womanhood are writ

That are handed down, each mother to each daughter,

Although distilled by each, as we see fit.

They are the oath and measure of our wisdom,

Of lessons learned, hopes dashed and battles lost,

And the foresight that each woman who succeeds us

Will shoulder lesser ills at greater cost.

We dismissed our mother's warnings, thought them futile,

Their lives but pale comparisons of ours.

And when we're called to show our due devotion

We honour then with afterthought and flowers.

But now I am a mother to a daughter

Who will grasp the sterling truth before too long

That a mother's love is like a mother's wisdom

Freely given, often tested, rarely wrong.

Coverage

Farts