Number One

Two Year Old Wisdom

Q: Have you got a cold?
A: No, I have coughs and snot and my nose is melting.

Q: Why is that baby in the dog kennel?
A: Because the dog needs to drive the ambulance.

Q: Why don't you like boys?

A: Because they have smelly feet and hiccups.

Q: Why is this doll in the teapot?

A: Because that's daddy and he's at work.

Q: Whether you meant to do it or not is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: No, because I am NOT an elephant!

Q: What will we do if you waste all the toilet paper?
A: Use wet wipes instead.

Q: What does that sign say?
A: It warns people that if they let their dog poo on the path and don't clean it up they will get into trouble.
Q: Is it the dog's birthday? Because that poo has three candles in it.

Q: What are you doing?
A: Tidying up.
Q: Why, is Grandma coming?

Watchmen

I have purposefully been avoiding the discussions, reviews, trailers and general hype surrounding this film because, frankly, I wanted to enjoy it. The trailer has been roaming around the net for months with people slobering over it in the hope it will live up to the expectation generated.

Mixed response from me I'm afraid.

The story is sound, surprising and raises some philisophical questions that could keep a pub conversation going for hours. The cast is full of faces that I haven't seen much of and therefore didn't have any preconceptions about. It's gritty, beautiful, hideous and understated in equal measure and worth seeing.

I did look at my watch halfway through.

I wasn't bored, it was just one of those moments when so much had happened, so much had yet to happen and my left arse cheek had gone to sleep. At times like that it is easy to allow my mind to wander onto such things as 'do I need the loo?' or 'where won't be busy, 'cos I'm starving'

Highlights for me were the whole sequence with Rawshack in prison, and Doctor Manhattan's bright blue knob which seemed to follow me round the room like the eyes on painting in a Scooby-do haunted mansion.

Downlight? The worst recording of Halilula I have ever heard (makes those people from X factor look like vocally trained pros) shame as some of the other tracks used are extremely downloadable.

Things Motherhood Has Taught Me

1) That my mother was often right.

2) Ninja-like stealth.

3) Single-handed dexterity.

4) How to stop anyone doing anything using only the tone of my voice.

5) That the world is not easily rationalised.

6) The best tickle spots.

7) To be suspicious of silence.

8) That age is a state of mind.

9) That there is fun to be had, whatever the weather.

10) There are more important things in life than tidiness.