It just got older, hornier and hangs around in parks.
Sunday, 20 July 2008
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
Things Folk Don't Know
A few facts that even my closest friends might not know about me.
Most Appropriate Gift Ever Received: a replica of Ramirez' Masamune sword from Highlander
Most Inappropriate Gift Ever Received: red wine
Greatest Compliment Ever Received: 'if we were ever on a plane that went down in the Arctic circle, I'd eat you last'
Greatest Insult Ever Received: 'you're light on your feet for a big girl, aren't you?'
Most Dangerous Thing While Sober: traversing the Ardeche rapids in a Canadian canoe
Most Dangerous Thing While Drunk: balancing on a stone wall when the drop behind me was nearly two hundred feet and having to be rescued by sober boyfriend
Greatest Achievement: getting an 8lb 15oz baby to come out a hole the size of a garden hose
Greatest Disappointment: having my manuscript for a trashy romance turned down by Harlequin Romance for being a bit too sentimental - pot/kettle erm . . .
Most Appropriate Gift Ever Received: a replica of Ramirez' Masamune sword from Highlander
Most Inappropriate Gift Ever Received: red wine
Greatest Compliment Ever Received: 'if we were ever on a plane that went down in the Arctic circle, I'd eat you last'
Greatest Insult Ever Received: 'you're light on your feet for a big girl, aren't you?'
Most Dangerous Thing While Sober: traversing the Ardeche rapids in a Canadian canoe
Most Dangerous Thing While Drunk: balancing on a stone wall when the drop behind me was nearly two hundred feet and having to be rescued by sober boyfriend
Greatest Achievement: getting an 8lb 15oz baby to come out a hole the size of a garden hose
Greatest Disappointment: having my manuscript for a trashy romance turned down by Harlequin Romance for being a bit too sentimental - pot/kettle erm . . .
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
I'm A Celeb ... Save my Arse!
In light of the harsh judgement I dolled out against the ten celebs (ha) who in my opinion would be first on the ship headed for the sun or (should I finally rally the world into revolution) would be the first people to be lined up against a wall and shot, I have made a save list. These ten people, if there was a meteor about to hit the earth and obliterate life as we know it, would be the first ones aboard a vessel to restart our civilisation on another world.
1) Barack Obama
2) Chow Yun Fat
3) Will Smith
4) Morgan Freeman
5) Gary Oldman
6) Nigella Lawson
7) Ewan McGregor
8) Joss Stone
9) Dominic Purcell
10) M. Night Shaymalan
It is poignant that I could have made a shot list of hundreds and had to think long and hard to find ten people who I would save.
More people I meet, more I like my dog.
Hang on, I don't have a dog, I must just be a hateful bitch.
1) Barack Obama
2) Chow Yun Fat
3) Will Smith
4) Morgan Freeman
5) Gary Oldman
6) Nigella Lawson
7) Ewan McGregor
8) Joss Stone
9) Dominic Purcell
10) M. Night Shaymalan
It is poignant that I could have made a shot list of hundreds and had to think long and hard to find ten people who I would save.
More people I meet, more I like my dog.
Hang on, I don't have a dog, I must just be a hateful bitch.
Saturday, 5 July 2008
Super Mum
We were talking at work the other day, as you do on the twilight shift when there's only the three of us in and we grow weary of bitching about work, about superheroes. I posed the question: If you were a superhero, who would you be? I added that it didn't have to be an established superhero, you could make one up. There were interesting answers. We had several Superman, Spiderman, Wonderwoman answers, one Captain Underpants (I believe she is seeking help) a She-Ra and, the best so far, the Milky Bar Kid.
I think I was the only one to make up an alter-ego. I said I would be the Chocolatier. This elusive saviour of mankind would dress in dark brown velvet, preferably with a large zorro style hat and mask and would defeat urban crime with her deadly art of throwing chocolate. Anyone hit by the chocolate would be sent into a euphoric state of ecstacy that would be brought to an end by my lethal roundhouse kick: the Walnut Whip. My enemies would be unable to penetrate my protective shield: the Brazil Nut. I would be accompanied by my minions, two large, muscled black guys in brown Armani suits called the Cocoa Solids and my secret lair would under the Nestle factory.
In truth I have often given thought to superpowers, particularly ESP and telekenetics. I can remember someone asking me if I could have a superpower, what would it be (we tend to have these conversation in our house) and at the time my daughter was still breast feeding and I answered: Telekenesis. You might not see the link but anyone who has just settled themselves into a nice warm bath just for the phone to ring, husband to lock himself out or realise you've left the oven on/shampoo in the cabinet and/or glass on wine on the kitchen bench, will appreciate how handy it would be in those moments to be able to will the desired object into motion and solve the problem without having to get out of the aforementioned bath.
This happened constantly when I was breast-feeding and had just got both me and daughter comfortable. It was as if the phone knew and was waiting for that exact moment to ring. I was convinced the man who read the meter would wait around the corner until he was sure I was sitting comfortably on the loo. My cup of tea would edge along the armrest of the sofa so it was millimetres shy of my outstretched fingers.
If I could have a superpower, that would be it, to move objects by the power of my mind alone.
That or Mind Bullets.
I think I was the only one to make up an alter-ego. I said I would be the Chocolatier. This elusive saviour of mankind would dress in dark brown velvet, preferably with a large zorro style hat and mask and would defeat urban crime with her deadly art of throwing chocolate. Anyone hit by the chocolate would be sent into a euphoric state of ecstacy that would be brought to an end by my lethal roundhouse kick: the Walnut Whip. My enemies would be unable to penetrate my protective shield: the Brazil Nut. I would be accompanied by my minions, two large, muscled black guys in brown Armani suits called the Cocoa Solids and my secret lair would under the Nestle factory.
In truth I have often given thought to superpowers, particularly ESP and telekenetics. I can remember someone asking me if I could have a superpower, what would it be (we tend to have these conversation in our house) and at the time my daughter was still breast feeding and I answered: Telekenesis. You might not see the link but anyone who has just settled themselves into a nice warm bath just for the phone to ring, husband to lock himself out or realise you've left the oven on/shampoo in the cabinet and/or glass on wine on the kitchen bench, will appreciate how handy it would be in those moments to be able to will the desired object into motion and solve the problem without having to get out of the aforementioned bath.
This happened constantly when I was breast-feeding and had just got both me and daughter comfortable. It was as if the phone knew and was waiting for that exact moment to ring. I was convinced the man who read the meter would wait around the corner until he was sure I was sitting comfortably on the loo. My cup of tea would edge along the armrest of the sofa so it was millimetres shy of my outstretched fingers.
If I could have a superpower, that would be it, to move objects by the power of my mind alone.
That or Mind Bullets.
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